I know I haven't really used this blog much, but having read back through my post in January of 2013, I think to myself, "what a tit" but then again, breakups tear me apart and pull my insides out through my broken heart, a year on, I've met someone new, he's wonderful and we just click, but I still feel like crap!!!!

Depression is the culprit, that big black dog that sits on your shoulder, clouding your every judgement.  Everyone is raving about Donal Walsh!!! Yes a great young fella with so much fantastic stuff to say and yes there is merit to it, but when you suffer with a mental illness you don't have a choice in what you think, everything is grey, nothing makes sense, that cloud telling you that you're useless and worth nothing to anyone!!! even though you are worth a whole lot to a hell of a lot of people, depression doesn't see that, you could be appreciated to the high heavens and depression wouldn't take a tack of notice!!! Donal Walsh was right in saying that there are other routes to take but when you're in the depths of despair and you feel that the world is going to be a hell of a lot better off without your sad sorry ass in it, then you're going to take your life, sad but true, I'm constantly raving about the power of talk, getting help, speaking out, but it isn't as easy as that for some people, I'm a talker and I don't care what anyone thinks of me, but others are too scared, too depressed, to enveloped in that cloud to ask for help!!! It's a big deal to ask for help, it's not an easy task to admit that you're not coping with life and it's general ups and downs!!! even when there aren't any ups and downs, in the run up to Christmas this year, I had two god awful weeks, absolutely no reason for it, was happy in my relationship, happy in work, happy with everything family, I WAS HAPPY but enveloped in that cloud of grey, no where near contemplating suicide but still in that horrible grey place!!!!

January has turned around again and while last year's Jan had me in turmoil, the future is looking brighter this one!!! I promise to keep blogging, I'll not let it go another year, if only to get my thoughts down, even if they're never read, it helps!!!!

It's been almost three months since my last and life obliterating breakup, the days are getting harder and there's no light in sight for the moment, I know you have to feel the emotions and the different stages of grief for a lost love, but really!!!!! after three months, shouldn't I be feeling some bit better.  I've extended the hand of friendship to my ex, which he has accepted, although my last correspondence to him has gone unresponded to, maybe this is why I'm not yet recovering, has my recovery now started from the date of my last correspondence to him, which is just over a month ago.  I didn't go by the NC rule, I'm just not into all that, I go with my heart, maybe that's why I keep making the same mistakes over and over.  Starting this blog as a kind of a diary, hoping that when it comes to delete it, ie. when I've totally recovered, that reading back over it will teach me the lessons that I'm supposed to learn, but somehow never get, or do I get them and just chose to ignore them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!